Monday, July 6, 2009

Death Is An Inconsiderate Lover

It all results in tears
One kind word, one instance of incompetence
That receptionist, anyones disappointment
Spoken, written, imagined, remembered
I can't make my friend
Do the things I think
Will save her life

I must not show my complete disappointment
I'm not sure I can live without her
Last night the tree removal guy called

Words make me cry, like the word deadline
The tree guys were an hour late today and I was
Screaming by the time they got here
Only one hour late for tradesmen
That's not bad, yet I feel responsible
I could not take her
Feed her what she what wanted
She wants so little in the larger scheme of things

She wants the food she wants from the store she wants
Is that so hard? The tree guys were only an hour late
They worked fast and efficiently without damaging my roof
Or fence and their competence makes me cry
My sense of guilt makes me cry.
Why must I always be guilty?
Never quite good enough. Is it like my mother said?

I offered them fresh cold watermelon cut in bite sized pieces
Cold cokes and water and their thirst made me cry
In seconds the watermelon was gone and I feel so sorry
That they don't get better treatment from women like me
And why do I assume that?

This is disappointment mixed with a dash of terror
It should be me. I'd decline all but hospice care
Not because of cost or debt or obligation or estate
Is it because I've chased you death like a needy lover?
So now you strike my innocent friend. Is that how we play
This final game of longing and regret? Does it all end in disappointment?

7 comments:

Kayleigh said...

This is so raw, so beautiful. I love that the things that brought tears were not necessarily the obvious, you showed the honesty of emotions close to the surface.

Really captivating.

Cat said...

somestimes I guess it feels as if it does all end in disappointment...

Utah Savage said...

Thank you both for commenting. Poetry is often the only way I can express the most painful things in my life. It is often a criticism of my poetry that I don't write "happy poetry." I can, but it lacks oomph and so is disappointing on a visceral level though it might please esthetically.

joannity said...

have found the most insightful woman ...Utah Savage" she is my hero, if she has made it through any thing even close to the horrors that I suffered at the hands of the people that I trusted most and whose responsibility it was to if not directly love me then at least look out for my welfare rather than just prevent aything from happening that would reflect badly on them...that ws the real motovation, not to be blamed for any harm that may have come to me .... therefor the reason for the brainwashing sessions about how it was never their fault, more like it was " our " fault ....imagine if you will how can a 7 year old girl have thee same responsibility in any sitiaution be it family disputes or ones of a more sexual nature ( and let's be real about this most of it WAS sexual in nature) anyway it has taken most of my life ( i am 49 yrs old) and ALL of my relationships to come to terms ( or at least something that allows me to sleep at night) with the things that i was subjected to at the hands of ADULTS...... sorry utsh I wanted you to see this and I thought this was the fasted way to get it to you, if I have offended I truly am sorry....Jojo

Utah Savage said...

JoJo, I'm about to repost the novel, "Maggy." You will be reading a version of your own life when you read mine. You are not alone. And you are saner than you think. Hang in there. Stay with us. This will be a safe place for you to express yourself about your self.

joannity said...

I wait impatiently for the novel...when? when? when?

Utah Savage said...

JoJo, the novel is posted. It's now called The Narcissist and I'm now working on another novel. You can find it on my homepage and click the link and you're there.